4 Things Not to Say When Supporting an Autistic Person in Crisis

Autism can feel complicated, mysterious, and disorienting to the neurotypical brain. And even with the best intentions in the world, you might say something during a meltdown that seems helpful… but actually makes things worse.

Here’s a little guide to better understand what helps—and what doesn’t.

“Honestly, this could’ve been avoided…”

Maybe you’re completely right. Maybe not. But that’s not the point.

During a crisis, your loved one’s brain is no longer functioning as usual. It’s overwhelmed by the most distressing hormones the human brain can produce, and the physical and emotional pain is almost unimaginable for a neurotypical person.

Saying this—even if you’re technically right—is essentially telling your loved one: “Well, you brought this on yourself.”

Let me be clear: even if you’re right, this is devastating to hear when someone is already suffering. It combines the idea that your loved one failed to protect themselves, made the wrong decisions, and—perhaps worst of all—that you don’t trust their ability to reflect and keep themselves safer next time.

This phrase is a cocktail of guilt and judgement (even if that’s clearly not your intention).

Your loved one is intelligent. They’ll be more than capable of asking themselves whether the crisis could have been avoided—and they’ll want to avoid those same triggers in future. Why? Because an autistic crisis is excruciating to go through, and no one wants to experience that again for the same reasons.

“It’s not easy for those around you either…”

What people don’t always realise is that the most intense autistic crises often come with dark thoughts—including suicidal ideation.

At a time like that, saying this—even if it’s true—can inadvertently reinforce all the most negative beliefs your loved one has about themselves. It adds the burden of how their crisis affects you—right in the middle of their own suffering.

If you do want to talk about the impact these moments have on you, that conversation should happen later—when things are calm and safe. And even then, it’s important to tread carefully and not add unnecessary guilt about something they can’t control.

Yes, your pain matters too. It deserves to be recognised and not invalidated. But remember: your loved one is suffering most in this moment. A meltdown isn’t the time to talk about your own distress.

“There are people who go through far worse…”

This sentence should be avoided in every context—full stop. It doesn’t mean anything.

Your loved one isn’t choosing to have a meltdown. They’re not in crisis because they’re upset, frustrated, or sad. They’re in crisis because their brain doesn’t function like yours does, and certain triggers—ones you may find trivial—can activate vast and intense neurological responses.

It’s like telling a child to eat their spinach because “some kids are starving.” It doesn’t help—it just adds guilt and shame to an already overwhelming moment.

While your intention might be to help them put things into perspective—and that might work in other situations—during an autistic crisis, it backfires. It only adds to their guilt and deepens their distress. And all that emotional weight risks escalating the crisis further.

“Shame… you hadn’t had one in ages.”

Would you say this to someone with asthma? Probably not.

Your loved one is autistic. They will have autistic meltdowns—just like an asthmatic has asthma attacks. During a crisis, this phrase can come across as disappointment, failure, or a drop in performance. And that’s a recipe for making the crisis worse.

But if you do want to acknowledge the time between meltdowns, here’s a better way to put it:“Wow—it’s been XX since your last one. That’s amazing. It means you’re getting better and better at protecting yourself. Well done.”

So what can you say?

Positive things. And only that.

Praise everything they manage to achieve outside of crisis moments. Know that during a meltdown, their self-esteem is at rock bottom. So feed that esteem—that’s one of the most helpful things you can do.

You might say:“Do you realise how amazing it is that you’re able to do XXX? To handle XXX while being autistic?”

Acknowledge that just getting through a meltdown takes superhuman strength. Say it.“Honestly, I think you’re incredible for holding on through this.”

During an autistic crisis, everything feels threatening—and potentially overwhelming.

If you’re someone they trust, you can’t suddenly become unpredictable in a crisis. That means: don’t speak vaguely, don’t attack, don’t blame, and don’t walk out without saying where you’re going. These actions could escalate things dramatically.

Try to be reliable and clear in what you say. For example:“I’m going to get a drink, but I’ll come back—if that’s what you want?”

And the best advice of all? Ask what they need. If you leave when they needed you, it may feel like abandonment. If you stay when they needed solitude, it may feel intrusive.

So: talk, ask, and listen.

And don’t beat yourself up if you’ve said any of these things before. What matters most is your intention—and your desire to support your loved one well. (And the fact that you’ve read this whole article proves that’s already the case ☺️)